HOW TO
DEAL WITH AGGRESSION
AGAINST OTHER CHILDREN
AGAINST OTHER CHILDREN
PROBLEM
Recently, Janelle, age seven, has taken a liking to smacking her little brother, Darren. Their mother is very distressed by all this and doesn’t know what to do. Her husband says that it will probably pass but she doesn’t think so. She fears that Janelle will start being more violent with Darren and will possibly cause him serious harm. She told Janelle that what she was doing was wrong, and that the parents were upset about it. But Janelle just shrugged and ran off. The mother told her husband about the incident, but, once again, he shrugged it off.
DISCUSSION
The four misguided goals of children may give us insight as to why the child behaves aggressively. Dreikurs postulated that children develop at least four misguided beliefs concerning how to belong with significance and visibility in a family or group. These are called the four misguided goals for behavior.
Many children mistakenly believe:
1) I need to be attended to all the time so that I know I am important and belong in this family. A fail-safe way to get attention is to hit people. This is the misguided goal of constantly seeking attention;
2) I need to be the boss so that I know I have importance here. If people won’t do what I want, I will hit them so they will. This is the misguided goal of constantly seeking power;
3) I feel hurt by how others have treated me and I want to get even – so I will hit anyone who annoys me at all. This is the misguided goal of constantly seeking revenge;
4) I feel that I’m over my head or out of my league a lot of the time, that I am hopeless--so I just hit people out of fear and helplessness. You can’t really expect me to control myself when I’m angry—it’s beyond me.” This is the misguided goal of perceived inadequacy.
These misguided beliefs suggest that aggression is a sign of a discouraged person who does not feel she has a place in a family or group unless she is the center of attention, the bully, the
vengeance
seeker or the victim. In the example, above, Janelle acts as if she does not feel she has a place in her family, with the addition of her new sibling, unless she can control or torment her younger brother.
Aggression among siblings often occurs in homes in which there is little order and in which the children cannot find a stable way to be part of the family. If children are treated disrespectfully by their parents, they will treat each other and children outside the home in disrespectful ways.
If children see their parents fight or argue with others, they interpret this as the way people gain importance in groups.
Solution:
1) Make sure family life is orderly and peaceful. Set times for respectful group interactions, such as meetings or talks after dinner. These will provide members the opportunity to express opinions, issues and problems with each other, in respectful, regulated ways.
2) Get rid of all adult aggression in the household: adult temper tantrums, yelling, hitting, loud scolding, ear pulling, name calling, etc.
3) At a family meeting, establish rules for all members on “no hitting,” “no insulting,” “no sulking” and “no silent treatment.” Figure out, as a group, what the consequences will be if a member violates the agreed upon rule. For example, if one child attacks another, the logical consequence may be they revoke their privilege to play together until they show the family that they can behave respectfully toward each other.
4) Be firm in enforcing these agreements.
