HOW TO DEAL WITH
PROBLEMS OF LYING, STEALING
AND CHEATING:
PROBLEMMr.
Sheen pulled into his driveway after a long day at work to see his
daughter, Chanise, riding around on a little red tricycle that he’d
never seen before.
“Where’d you get that, honey?” he asked her as he crawled out of the driver’s seat.
“My friend is letting me play with it. Do you like it?” she said as she rode in circles around his legs.
“Very nice,” he said as he walked up to the front door, “you play safe, okay?”
He walked into his living room to find his wife lounging on the couch watching one of her favorite television programs.
“Chanise said her friend next door let her borrow her new tricycle. When did that occur?” he inquired of her.
“What are you talking about?” she said as she turned to face him, “No one was over to play today.”
Just then, there was a knock on their door. It was their neighbor, Mrs. Pierce saying that their daughter had stolen her son’s tricycle. Mr. Sheen apologized and snatched Chanise off the tricycle and brought her inside. He felt so ashamed; not only had his daughter learned to lie, but she had also learned to steal.
DISCUSSION
Parents are inevitably extremely concerned when their child lie, steal or cheat. Many immediately envision them in prison or worse. Many assume that this is a sign of bad moral character.
Children have very few means in their control to make life go the way they want it to. As adults we are often quite unaware of our enormous powers to shape our situations to our desires. Children have almost none of this control.
Lying, stealing and cheating are convenient tools for children to make their lives more manageable or appealing. Children most often lie when they are overwhelmed with fear that a situation that will follow from truth telling will be so unpleasant that it is worth the hopeful chance that all will remain in ignorant bliss. Adults do the same thing when they blithely ignore glaring problems in their work and personal lives. However, we do not call into question the “moral character” of these adults. We see they deny out of fear and for conveniences sake. They lack courage, as do lying children.
Cheating often occurs when children feel hopelessly over their heads with the perceived tasks at hand.
Stealing often occurs when children feel hopelessly of little value and prove their worth to themselves by acquiring what others have.
In none of these situations are lying, cheating or stealing immoral acts or signs of a character flaw. These convenient methods are among the few children have in their control to make themselves feel better in what seem to them to be grim circumstances.
The parents’ tasks,
then are: 1) to extinguish the counterproductive acts of dishonesty,
which are taken so seriously and destructively by adults, and which
serve to worsen the situation; 2) to bolster the child’s courage and
self-worth by paying consistent and positive attention to the child;
and 3) to show the child more adaptive, courageous and honest ways to
cope with seemingly overwhelming disappointments or difficulties.
In short, we recommend: 1) encouraging the child for what s/he does right and downplaying, side-stepping and ignoring any dishonesties; 2) spending special, individual time with the child; 3) opening lines of communication to discuss difficulties and to problem-solve as a supportive family; and 4) to increase responsibilities placed on the child, while encouraging her trust-worthiness and honesty.
SOLUTION
Mr. Sheen apologized for being disrespectful with Chanise. He then changed the subject to ask if she might be interested in them spending special, individual time with each other each day at a set time. His wife asked the same and they explained special time. Chanise liked this idea and they decided on a mutually good time. In addition, the parents initiated family council meetings and at the first one brought up the idea of an allowance for Chanise. In addition, they engaged Chanise more in cooking, gardening, car washing, shopping and other fun chores. At the same time they trusted her with money when they went shopping and listened to her plans for using her saved money.
“Where’d you get that, honey?” he asked her as he crawled out of the driver’s seat.
“My friend is letting me play with it. Do you like it?” she said as she rode in circles around his legs.
“Very nice,” he said as he walked up to the front door, “you play safe, okay?”
He walked into his living room to find his wife lounging on the couch watching one of her favorite television programs.
“Chanise said her friend next door let her borrow her new tricycle. When did that occur?” he inquired of her.
“What are you talking about?” she said as she turned to face him, “No one was over to play today.”
Just then, there was a knock on their door. It was their neighbor, Mrs. Pierce saying that their daughter had stolen her son’s tricycle. Mr. Sheen apologized and snatched Chanise off the tricycle and brought her inside. He felt so ashamed; not only had his daughter learned to lie, but she had also learned to steal.
DISCUSSIONParents are inevitably extremely concerned when their child lie, steal or cheat. Many immediately envision them in prison or worse. Many assume that this is a sign of bad moral character.
Children have very few means in their control to make life go the way they want it to. As adults we are often quite unaware of our enormous powers to shape our situations to our desires. Children have almost none of this control.
Lying, stealing and cheating are convenient tools for children to make their lives more manageable or appealing. Children most often lie when they are overwhelmed with fear that a situation that will follow from truth telling will be so unpleasant that it is worth the hopeful chance that all will remain in ignorant bliss. Adults do the same thing when they blithely ignore glaring problems in their work and personal lives. However, we do not call into question the “moral character” of these adults. We see they deny out of fear and for conveniences sake. They lack courage, as do lying children.
Cheating often occurs when children feel hopelessly over their heads with the perceived tasks at hand.
Stealing often occurs when children feel hopelessly of little value and prove their worth to themselves by acquiring what others have.
In none of these situations are lying, cheating or stealing immoral acts or signs of a character flaw. These convenient methods are among the few children have in their control to make themselves feel better in what seem to them to be grim circumstances.
The parents’ tasks,
then are: 1) to extinguish the counterproductive acts of dishonesty,
which are taken so seriously and destructively by adults, and which
serve to worsen the situation; 2) to bolster the child’s courage and
self-worth by paying consistent and positive attention to the child;
and 3) to show the child more adaptive, courageous and honest ways to
cope with seemingly overwhelming disappointments or difficulties.In short, we recommend: 1) encouraging the child for what s/he does right and downplaying, side-stepping and ignoring any dishonesties; 2) spending special, individual time with the child; 3) opening lines of communication to discuss difficulties and to problem-solve as a supportive family; and 4) to increase responsibilities placed on the child, while encouraging her trust-worthiness and honesty.
SOLUTION
Mr. Sheen apologized for being disrespectful with Chanise. He then changed the subject to ask if she might be interested in them spending special, individual time with each other each day at a set time. His wife asked the same and they explained special time. Chanise liked this idea and they decided on a mutually good time. In addition, the parents initiated family council meetings and at the first one brought up the idea of an allowance for Chanise. In addition, they engaged Chanise more in cooking, gardening, car washing, shopping and other fun chores. At the same time they trusted her with money when they went shopping and listened to her plans for using her saved money.