HOW TO DEAL WITH PROBLEMS

PROBLEM

Nick, 5, ran down the stairs faster than a speeding bullet.  He was dressed head to toe in his favorite Halloween costume, Superman.  He greeted his mom gleefully; but she turned to him in disappointment.  “What are you thinking? I can’t take you to school wearing this!” She marched him upstairs and dressed him in clothes of her choosing.

DISCUSSION

    1.    Allow your children to do things they are capable of doing on their own.  Help is not always helpful in the long run.  Children learn faster from mistakes noticed in the “real world” away from home than they do from our words.

    2.    Allow your children to make small decisions and mistakes.  This will make them more independent and teach them how to make decisions in the long run.  Although we feel we should protect them from all discomfort, in the long run, mistakes and discomfort teach a child much.

     3.    Keep your self-esteem from becoming too enmeshed in their learning process.  Their actions and what they wear to school, within dress codes, are not really a reflection on you.  Children will learn judgment more quickly if you allow them to have their own identities, to make their own mistakes, and to experience some discomfort or embarrassment.

    4.    Trust their good intentions and tolerate their learning process.

SOLUTION

    1.    Take time to train your child about matching clothes and what might be expected or acceptable in different situations (at school, church, the park, on the ski mountain, etc.).

    2.    Let your children dress themselves.  If they choose to wear something inappropriate, trust that they will learn from the natural consequences or from children or others commenting on what they are wearing.

    3.    If your child throws a tantrum, wanting you to dress him, quietly leave the room and allow him to get dressed on his own.  Calmly avoid the power struggle.

    4.    Allow natural consequences to teach your child about getting dressed.  For example, they will quickly get cold if they go out in the snow wearing only a sweatshirt.  The life guard at the pool will not allow them to go in wearing cut-off shorts.  The maitre d’ at the restaurant will not let them in wearing shorts and slippers. 

    5.    In the problem above, children and teachers may ask the child why he is wearing a Superman costume.  If the teacher finds this disruptive to the classroom, she may explain that to him and gently suggest that he change into his extra set of clothes at the preschool.  He will learn, in this quiet interaction, that there are reasons to wear clothes appropriate to the setting.   This learning will be less conflicted and more stable than lessons “learned” through a power struggle with parents.

    6.    Parents worry that others will think them irresponsible to allow their children to dress unusually.  And to some extent, this is the case.  However, children listen more intently to the input from others OUTSIDE the family, and learn more quickly how to dress appropriately for the weather and the occasion.  Parents may want to judge what is more important to them—what one or two un-informed adults think of them, the parents, OR, how quickly their children learn to fit in, comfortably, among others.

    7.    You can start giving your child choices, at an early age (2-3), about what clothes s/he can wear.  Let them pick their own clothes (from among the available choices, which you make sure are appropriate for the setting).

    8.    If you must speak during these training interactions, use only encouraging statements, “You can figure it out.”  “I think you can think of something to wear.”  “I’m sure you can get that on if we give you enough time to work on it.”