HOW TO DEAL WITH
COMMON CHILD PROBLEMS
COMMON CHILD PROBLEMS
In the following web pages we discuss and give suggestions for how to deal with the 24 misbehavior situations about which parents most frequently ask. The purpose of the Family Education Training Center of Hawaii is to increase harmony in families by helping all members learn how to develop respectful, constructive relations at home.
We believe that human action is motivated, primarily, by a desire to belong with significance in families and other groups, and to be seen as worthy in the eyes of significant others. We believe that children typically pursue this goal of belonging with significance, but often do so using mistaken, misguided methods—resulting in misbehavior. For example, a child who wants contact may seek attention in ways that annoy and disrupt parents, teachers and others.
Building and maintaining respectful relations at home requires three parental tasks:
1) understanding why your child is misbehaving—this means figuring out how s/he is trying to belong through misbehavior;
2) helping your child give up any misguided approach to trying to have a place of importance in the family; and
3) helping your child learn a more constructive way to belong by acting responsibly and contributing to the family.
In
each of the 24 misbehavior web pages, we first present an example of
the targeted misbehavior. We then discuss what the child
might be trying to accomplish by acting this way. Finally we give
suggestions for how to extinguish this misguided approach while
encouraging the child in her use of more constructive ways to belong in
the family and to be worthwhile in the parents’ eyes.Our methods are based on respect in the relationship not on behavior management. The purpose is to secure mutual understanding and cooperation at home, not to trick children into behaving so that parents feel respected or in complete control.
Understanding the underlying principles, (as presented in our Family Night sessions and in the “underlying principles” webpage), and applying these solutions carefully will result in a much more respectful and harmonious household, in which family members will have the time and energy to enjoy each other rather than fighting, bickering or worrying.
Many of our solutions have been adapted from
Painter and Corsini (1989), Effective
Discipline in the Home and School (New York: Bruner-Routledge);
and also Painter and Corsini (1975), The Practical Parent (New
York: Harper & Row, Publishers, Inc.) Many of the photos we have used are shareable, public domain photos from Flickr.com (http://www.flickr.com/). To find the photographer’s name and copyright information, just click on the photo.
Scenarios and discussions were also provided by Dr. James A. Deutch, Dr. Mary I. Martini, Dr. Malia Thompson, Amber Beahm B.Sc., Melanie Quon B.Sc., and Reuel Reyel B.Sc.