HOW
TO DEAL WITH PROBLEMS
INVOLVING TEMPER TANTRUMS:
INVOLVING TEMPER TANTRUMS:
PROBLEMMr. Ramano finally got a day off of work, and decided to spend it on an outing with his five-year-old daughter, Emily. They decided to go to the zoo, because Emily absolutely loved watching the monkeys play. The outing was going rather well. They sat and laughed as the monkeys swung from tree to tree, feed the ducks in the pond, and ate ice-cream cones. As they were leaving the zoo, however, the mood changed drastically. A purple monkey stuffed animal caught Emily’s eye as they passed through the gift store to the exit. She pleaded for her father to buy it. Mr. Ramano informed her that she already had plenty of stuffed animals and he was not going to buy her another one. Emily whined and clawed at his hand and then threw herself on the floor and began screaming and arching in anger. Mr. Ramano picked her up and removed her from the store, fighting. When he put her down, however, she bolted back into the store and snatched the monkey from the shelf. She then began to hold her breath. Embarrassed and in fear that his beloved daughter would pass out, Mr. Ramano gave in and bought Emily the purple monkey.
DISCUSSION
Children usually throw tantrums for one of two reasons: 1) they feel left out, ignored or invisible and throw the tantrum to get others to attend and feel sorry for them (This is more often the case for older children, who look away while crying and thrashing about);
or, 2) they feel out of control and furious and throw the tantrum to demand what they want at that moment (This is more often the case for younger children who make eye contact while screaming).
In the above situation, Emily appears to feel she has little control over her time or interactions with her father. In spite of the fact that her father took time off work to be with her, from Emily’s point of view, father decides when and where they spend time together. Even though it is pleasant, it comes to an end and Emily is left with little control over when she can be with him again.
To a child with a weak sense of belonging in the family, this is difficult. A new gift can serve to remind the child of “How much Daddy loves me.” Her test to the father is: “In addition to coming to the zoo (which you chose) will you buy me the item that I CHOOSE, to prove your love?” The father, feeling manipulated, did not want to fall for this test, and refused her bid.
The father’s task is
two-fold: 1) to extinguish the tantrum behavior
which serves to push important people away from Emily rather than
secure their affections, as is Emily’s wish; and 2) to shore up Emily’s
belief that she is of significance in her father’s eyes and belongs in
her family.The father can most effectively extinguish tantrum behavior by removing himself from the situation. In ideal situations, parents have already talked with the child during a calm time, explaining what they will do in case of tantrums in public. In public areas (such as the zoo and supermarkets) it is awkward to leave a child screaming and disrupting others. Most parents prefer to return the child to the car.
The most effective way to shore up the child’s confidence that s/he has a place in the family and in father’s eyes, is to institute “special, individual time” at a set time each day.
SOLUTION
Emily’s father attended our sessions and learned the above methods. He asked her, that evening, if she would like to have special time with him, each evening, for 10-minutes. He explained they could play anything she wanted (other than passive activities like reading or watching t.v.) and that he would bring the timer, she, the ideas for play.
Emily’s next temper tantrum
occurred in a store. Rather than
buying the item that Emily wanted or letting Emily disrupt everyone in
the store, the father picked her up, gently, and without a word
returned her to the car, where he placed her, screaming, in the back
seat. He then got in the driver’s seat, turned on the car and the
air-conditioning, put on a music headset and read his book. Emily
continued to scream and thrash around. Since this disturbed him, he left the car and sat a short distance
away, on the grass, in view of the car, where he listened to his music
and read in peace. Once, Emily got out of the car, screaming; but he gently put her back in, restrained her in her car-seat and continued to wait for her to calm down. He did all this in a calm and friendly manner, without saying a word. She had already been told what the routine would be, and was in no state to listen to any explanations.
Once Emily calmed down, the father took her home. He did NOT talk to her or to his wife about the incident. Rather he talked about pleasant matters. They had special time, as usual, after dinner that evening
Emily’s tantrums decreased over the weeks, as she spent more time helping her parents as they worked at home and in special time with them.
From early, angry tantrums, to
later, sullen pouting.